As I recover from my surgery, every day more lucid and aware of my physical condition, I am at times surprised, amazed and dumbfounded. The body is so complex, so integrated needing all parts to behave in accordance to maintain homeostasis or simply to allow us to not have to think about its workings and go on with our day. Inevitably this leads to some apathy as we take our physical selves for granted. When an unexpected and foreign sensation or uncomfortable feeling begins to draw our attention, it is then that most of us become actively aware of the processes that happen constantly within us and perhaps heed the bodies S.O.S. signals.
With pain there is another set of factors that we become aware of. Pain, an undeniable signal that something has been hurt, pulled, etc… is quickly acknowledged and addressed. Yet what I find fascinating is that try as you might, physical pain leaves no lasting memory of its former self. Emotional pain manages to leave scars that may last a lifetime, yet with physical pain one is off the hook once it is gone. This is surely an adaptive brain function that serves to shield us from that which we are best off not recalling.
When I got sick, the focus was on the prognosis and the best method by which to treat it. There are many tests that are conducted (some quite painful) to pinpoint the correct treatments to alleviate the pain both temporarily and then more permanently. For me this phase was one where opiates played a large role in maintaining some level of comfort until the actual procedure.
Today, one week and one day after my 2 hour surgery, I am still on opiates because in order to fix the problem, an incision across my lower abdomen was made leaving me a bit like Frankenstein in that there are 12 staples holding my belly together. Mind you, showing this to a friend or loved one garners both looks of shock and then a swell of kindness (or pity). Needless to say I find looking at the staples just as horrifying but I put on a brave face, make a small pained sound and immediately try to change the subject. I have full confidence that I will recover fully and that the hideous incision will fade to a barely noticeable scar.
Yet what I am most conscious of is the actual healing. Yes I feel this happening a lot both on the outside and on the inside. It is a pain I don’t believe I can accurately describe now or maybe not ever. Healing involves the flesh transitioning back to it’s former healthy state taking into account the alterations that have been made in the process. With no longer anticipating surgery, or fretting over the preparations there is less to keep the mind off of the changes occuring through the healing process. For someone like myself, having no distractions is difficult and therefore pain is truly experienced.
I have in the past been impatient and sometimes did not heed the doctors warnings, leading to prolonged pain and recovery. But now that I am all grown up I realize I must let the healing process continue as it will and not try to do things purely because I think I am invincible. And so it goes, week 2 of recovery, and I am still somewhat sane.
Copyright ©2008 Veronica Romm
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